I’m not gonna lie to y’all – this week has been hard.
I don’t know if it’s the build of a few months of sadness or if it’s just satan trying to get the best of me but I can for sure tell you that this week has definitely made the top ten for toughest weeks in my life. Emotionally and spiritually, I am exhausted.
Honestly, it started out with just pure sadness. I even wrote in my journal that I wasn’t feeling it and that I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. Why was I sad when I should be healed by now? How could I go from feeling so great to feeling so crappy in a matter of a few hours?
This sadness turned into questioning and wondering why.
Why questions have always scared me because who am I to ever doubt God? I try to shove them down and ignore them because to question God is to question the entire foundation of my life and it’s to sin against the one, true God and what right do I have to that?
I started asking, “Why do I even follow Jesus?”
Friends, even writing that scares me to the core, but I want to be real with you so yes, I started asking that.
I realized that if my answer to that question was because it was expected of me or because following Jesus secures safety when I die that I was not in this lifestyle for the right reasons. But as I searched, I realized that my answers were not that at all and in fact, the answer to this question is the foundation for my life.
Here are my answers;
- God is real, there is nothing outside of God and we can’t be without him. He is everything and everything depends on him.
- I am, by nature, a helpless sinner. My life proves that there is nothing I can ever do to escape the sin I commit. Yes, I can try to be better and I can try to live a life free of the bad things I do but ultimately, I’m just going to do something wrong again. This isn’t hopeless, friends, this is in fact the beauty of Jesus. He came to do what none of us ever could or can – to live a perfect life and save us all from the wrong we do.
- Jesus is and forever will be my first love. I am head over heels, weak in the knees, butterflies in my stomach in love with Jesus and through him I have grace, joy, peace and everything else I could ever need. Take everything else away from me, as long as I have Jesus, I’m set.
This is my life. This is what I am living for.
Yes, satan is still trying to plant doubt within me. He’s constantly trying to convince me that I don’t deserve any of this, that I’m too far gone and that Jesus couldn’t love someone like me. But in those moments I am crying out to my Saviour, begging for him to save me and guys, He always does.
I realized this week that deciding to follow Jesus isn’t a one time thing at a summer camp or a church service, following Jesus – choosing him – is something I have to do every day for the rest of my life.
So friends, I encourage you to doubt. I encourage you to question. I encourage you to embrace your brokenness and really seek why you’re living the way you are. Don’t be afraid, Jesus can handle your questions. He loves you and he wants you to choose him.