I bought a bikini yesterday.
I used to wear them all the time when I was young. I think it was because there’s something so innocent about a four year old wearing a bikini that no one even takes a second look. But when I turned 13, I can distinctly remember fighting with my mom in Sears over why I couldn’t buy a bikini like all my other friends.
I didn’t think it was fair at all but out of respect for my parents, I tried my best to find cute one pieces and tankinis that covered everything – which, as a side note, is a very hard thing to do these days. I understood where my parents were coming from, they were trying to instill good values in me and they were teaching me to guard my body and my heart. These were both good things but I think eventually, modesty became a wall I hid behind rather than something I really believed in.
Growing up I developed some body image issues. I’m sure every teenage girl has had them as well. In a mix of our own insecurities and satan telling us lies, we begin to hate ourselves.
I’ve hated myself for a really long time.
I’ve never thought that my stomach was flat enough or that my legs and arms were small enough. I’m never tanned or toned enough and there’s always someone prettier, am I right?
I was never enough and for a long time this lie was all consuming. All I thought about was the next diet fad, weight loss tea you could buy and how to get rock hard abs in 5 minutes. I researched metabolism-boosting pills and I prayed and prayed that I would some how lose weight. I was always thinking about how big my stomach looked or why my legs were the size of Texas and if my arms jiggled too much and there was nothing that could stop those thoughts.
But at least I was modest, right?
As a side note – I don’t blame my parents for any of this. I think there is so much value in dressing modestly especially in a day and age where every new style is just a new and creative way to show off more skin. I do value dressing modestly but what I’m struggling with is where do we draw the line between modesty and insecurity?
You see, I started to self-righteously hide behind this whole modesty thing. I said I was being modest in not wearing a bikini but I really just hated the way I looked. That, my friends, is not a healthy place to be.
I know Jesus doesn’t want me to show the world my body, that’s not something that everybody needs to see but I also don’t think He wants me to be ashamed of my body. He’s the one who created it, right?
So I bought a bikini yesterday and I didn’t buy it because I want to show off my hot bod and make all the boys stumble – I actually think it’s quite a modest bikini! I bought it because I have worked really heard in the past 5 years to get to a place where I actually love my body, a place where I feel comfortable and confident in my own skin.
Loving yourself is difficult, y’all and it takes a lot of work. But let’s not hide behind self-righteousness and pride, let’s get to the root of the issue and stop the lies we’ve believed. Cling to truth, cling to Jesus.
Tatiana Blackburn 
I can totally understand where you’re coming from. Buying a bikini was a brave thing to do! Whenever you wear it for a wonderful day at the beach, be prepared for the enemy’s attacks on your mind, but arm yourself with verses and remember the joy that God has given you. Remember you are free, you are loved, you are accepted by God– and who can judge Him? For me, my obsession with modesty– and the self-righteousness I developed with it– began much younger, at 6 or 7, when I was just learning to swim. I felt uncomfortable in a full-piece. I wanted to be covered. When I was 9 or 10, my family was influenced by another, more extremely conservative, homeschooling family, and soon all my clothes were huge, loose dresses which look cute on toddlers but not on a spindly girl on her way to 6ft tall. I looked very odd, got starred at, and judged everyone who was judging me. By 14, I was nearly 6 feet tall, and was scared of two things: 1, being seen, and 2, dressing attractively in any way. I wore only loose clothing and never showed skin except my arms. I wanted to be above all that…. but like you say in your post, it’s not healthy or right. In my heart, I was in constant competition, on a path of jealousy, judgement, insecurity, and anger which God never meant for me. It’s been a long time since I dressed unusually modestly, but I still struggle with the roots of the issue and have trouble seeing myself as loved, free and joyful in the Lord. I guess that as women, we need to constantly turn this area over to God… It may be never-ending as we are always changing and always receiving/not receiving different levels and types of attention, but God can work in our hearts through anything, even this. To this day, my relationship with my sister is scarred because of our different attitudes about modesty; I wish I had understood earlier, that modesty is not the holiest thing or God’s main purpose for me. Love is.
Hey! Thanks for the comment! I’m so sorry that you struggle with this as well but it sounds like you’re definitely working through it! It’s so hard to find a balance between modesty and self-confidence. God never intended us to be so insecure and hate our selves but He also doesn’t want us to just show it all either. Glad we can share our struggles and spur each other on! Blessings on you!