I’ve always thought that I’m a generous person.
I believed that I could freely give up my time and money without any complaint or struggle and for the most part that’s true.
It wasn’t until earlier today when I realized that sometimes I lie to myself.
I think we all like to make ourselves out as a good person. We never want to see the evil in ourselves because we want to feel good and that would make us feel awful.
Recognizing the bad parts of ourselves makes us feel uncomfortable and inadequate and sad. Unfortunately, as I realized today, this is something we must do in order to love others well.
I’ve been tight on money this year. The reason for this probably being because I’m a college student with no job. I’ve watched the money in my bank account slowly deplete over the past four months.
I’m going back to Peru tomorrow to visit my family for two weeks so this morning I was out buying last minute things that I needed to pack.
I pulled in the Walmart parking lot and was going through my mental list of everything that I needed to buy while in the store when I realized that while I had bought things for my immediate family, I hadn’t bought anything for the kids and other people who are living with us.
I got this sick feeling of guilt in my stomach.
I think giving people gifts is a really good way to show them that you love them. It shows them that you’re thinking about them and that you care enough to go out and buy them something.
I want to show the kids that live in our home that they are deeply and fully loved. I want them to know that there are so many people who love them and that even though they may feel abandoned or wronged or unwanted that there are people who will never leave them and that there are people who desperately want them.
So through that sick feeling of guilt, I decided I would get them all something for Christmas but immediately after, the evil part of me kicked in.
It’s so awful to admit but as soon as I decided I was going to buy them something, I started thinking about how I don’t have a lot of money and how I didn’t want to spend my money on that. I became selfish and thought maybe I could get away without getting them something.
Whenever the evil parts of me threaten to take over, it’s so easy to want to give into them, it’s much easier to just give in than use my limited strength to push through those evil thoughts.
But I didn’t want to give in today.
Be generous, I said quietly in my head.
Be generous, I whispered to myself.
Be generous, I said firmly and aloud.
I kept repeating it over and over again until I won and I walked into the store and went Christmas shopping.
I’m learning that it’s not easy to love others. It takes effort and humility and strength that I don’t have.
It takes the supernatural strength of a divine begin who is better than I could ever be. And that’s why I’m so thankful that Jesus has my heart and that it’s not me who directs my paths and decisions but that it’s Him.
Keep teaching me, Jesus, keep teaching me.