I haven’t really written much of anything in a long time.
I never write during the summer because days at camp are just too long and too busy to sit and get anything down on paper.
I promised myself I would start writing once a week when September came around but that didn’t really happen either.
At first, it was cause I was just a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts and business. My job was ending, I was moving into college, my mom was back visiting, I was going on my first date ever and starting my first relationship ever. They’re all amazing things but it just kept me busy.
And then college started and holy, I didn’t understanding the meaning of the words homework or busy until the beginning of September. The readings and the assignments and the essays that are required is enough to make your head spin. Then add on all the social events then you’re expected to go to and sometimes it’s more than I can handle.
(Don’t get me wrong, I love college now but honestly, it’s been a struggle to get to this point.)
I got so sad and frustrated around October. I was in the midst of Bible college but my spiritual life was lacking more than ever.
I found it hard to read my Bible for my personal life because even though my professors had warned me, it was becoming my textbook.
I found it hard to actually retain anything and instead of learning I felt like I was just studying to pass the exam.
I found it hard to make friends and balance my social life with my school life.
I thought coming to Bible college would put me on a spiritual high that was better than any I have ever experienced when in fact, I have just been struggling in my personal relationship with God.
I felt stuck, like I was at the bottom of a deep hole with no way to get out and back to reality.
And then, one night after crying to my boyfriend and him affirming me that everything was gonna be alright, I went to small group.
One of the other girls raised her hand timidly and said, “Does anybody else feel like you’re in Bible college but your spiritual life is declining?”
My soul screamed, “YES.” I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t the only one struggling. In fact, most of the other girls voiced the same opinion.
We talked about why this was happening and how we could change it and we realized that sometimes we have to be so, so intentional and creative with our relationship with God.
I have to carve out that time just reading my Bible with Him or I’ll just be drained.
I have to carve out time where I write about what He’s teaching me or I won’t remember.
I have to be creative and find other ways to be with Him and worship Him and go deeper with Him.
I have to be intentional with my relationships with my boyfriend and my friends. I have to make time to hang out and know them or else those relationships will fizzle out.
Yes studying is important, but it can’t take precedent over these other important things or we’ll just be drained and lonely.
So, I finished most of my studying today in between my two classes today.
And now I’m sitting here writing at exactly 9:30pm, just like I planned.
My Spotify playlist of Jesus music is playing in the background which is also what I use to worship Jesus on the drives to Hamilton or Brantford to be with friends.
I’m still learning and most days aren’t as organized as this one was but that’s the beauty of grace. I’m allowed to constantly be learning, I’m allowed to mess up. Jesus still welcomes me back, broken pieces and all.